


The Avengers, Earth's Most Fucked-Up Heroes

by Dillian



Category: Fantastic Four, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: And the Impulse to Do Good, Dark!Tony, F/M, M/M, Not-Dark!Doom, Other, Such as Superhero Teams, Things Fall Apart - Freeform, and relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-07 04:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Avengers, Post Iron Man 2:  This is the story of one very angry (suitless) Iron Man, taking his revenge on the entire world, after he finds his wife Pepper cheating.  It is also the story of the super-villain couple he takes most of the revenge <i>on</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Year's Eve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SuicideSquadGirl13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuicideSquadGirl13/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce Banner, now retired, gets a visit from another ex-Avenger.

“May the bird of paradise fly up your nose,  
May an elephant caress you with his toes,  
May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose,  
May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.”  
– Little Jimmy Dickens, “May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose”

**_Iron Man_ , _The Avengers_ , _Thor_ , and _The Fantastic Four_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

You know what’s really _good_? You get something done, okay? Like, say, you build a ~~suit~~ _tower_ … Okay, now you’re thinking, “Avengers Tower,” and yeah, that one’s okay. It was cutting-edge for its time, but how long ago was that? Like four years? Five? _Potts_ Tower, now there’s something to be proud of.

…Come to think of it, that’s when I should have known there was a problem: Potts-Stark, yeah, it’s too long to go on the fuckin’ tower, but she could have taken the goddamn name. What kind of ball-breaking bitch goes into a marriage and won’t even take her husband’s _name_?

~~(She was already thinking of cheating back then.)~~

…No, but the tower, okay? Avengers can have New York, we put this one in Virginia. Because, Washington DC. Because once I got out of the super-heroing business… Well, a guy has to do _something_ , right? And Stark already has a name in the defense-tech field. …Anyway though, I was talking about the _tower_ :

“Tower” is kind of a misnomer in this case. It’s one thing when you have to compete with the entire skyline of Manhattan (and _dominate_ it). This is suburban Virginia, close enough to Washington so you don’t have to drive very far, but enough of a ways out that you’ve got your trees going on, and your rolling hills and so forth. ~~We~~ I wanted something that would blend in a little, went for something more Frank Lloyd Wright, kind of Taliesin-ish (only with more _me_ ). And we had all that space, so I spread out a little, and I put most of the really important stuff underground too. There’s a lot of people that are out to get ~~me~~ the company. A guy can’t be too careful.

Okay, _tower_ : ~~Fuckin’ bitch’s name is on the title, she’s going to get the whole goddamn thing.~~ …You know, you don’t have to listen to this shit, Bruce. I know you’re not that kind of doctor. I’m just talking, a guy’s got to talk about something. And the stuff I’ve been working on? Well, it’s kind of a main interest.

~~(Not much left of that shit. Company’s also in Pepper’s name. Christ, Bruce, whatever you do, don’t get fuckin’ _married_.)~~

By the way, dude, you have taken “off the grid” to a whole new level here. I am truly _impressed_. Do you know how long it took me to find you?

It had to be you, you know, because unlike some people I could mention, you _understand_ what it feels like, when the system doesn’t treat you fairly. You got dealt a bad hand in life…

I know, I know, sorry, sorry, sorry. Won’t talk about it. Weed, huh? You don’t have any booze around? Not even any beer? Because it conflicts with your… How long have you been _medicated_?

Sorry. No-go. I’ve got it. Lips are sealed. …By the way, I’ve turned off the GPS on the Stark-phone. Turned it off in the _car_ , and in… Well, in the other _tech_ I brought, let’s say. And no, you don’t have to put me up. I’m serious man, I mean, I appreciate it, but it’s not _that_ far into town. And with no booze, I won’t have to worry about the snow on the road. And there’s a five-star hotel in town, Bruce, I’ll be _fine_.

…Yeah, I guess people might be watching. – By the way, you know what would be cool? Picture this: Stealth-car paint. I could totally _do_ that…

Sorry! Jesus, Bruce, I think you need some more of that weed!

…Also, no offense, but your food kind of sucks. If I go into town… _When_ I go into town… When _we_ go into town, because dude, I am going to make it work, you can’t hole up in the wilds of Grab-Ass, Colorado, for the rest of your fuckin’ life… I am _totally_ buying you some decent snack food. …And some other stuff. We’ll talk about that later.

All right, now pass over the weed, and some of that shit… - What do you call it? – Homemade _kale chips_? ~~(Look more like homemade ass-scrapings to me.)~~ \- And some of that other stuff, kombucha, isn’t it? You know only hipsters and Miley Cyrus drink that shit? …Yeah, sorry, it’ll do for now. I meant no offense to your beloved food, Bruce.

You wanted the news, right? I am going to give you the fuckin’ news, Bruce. You will never guess whose back on Earth. – 

No, not Thor. The _other_ one. – 

Loki, right. And he’s got friends. Like, super-villain friends. Like, Dr. Doom, and Fury thinks he’s hooking up with the Kingpin as well. Like just what we need…

_We!_ Wait a minute, what am I talking about? We’re not Avengers any more, this is _not_ our problem! You know how nice that is to think about?

And I’m beginning to see the point with Grab-Ass, Colorado: Loki and Doom can do whatever the fuck they want to New York City. It’s not going to affect us here. I may have to re-think my plans for relocating.

…No, but I was going to tell you the story. Here goes: All right, so it was New Year’s Eve. And it was before I left New York… Pep’s all, “Oh, Tony, I have _business_ …” – 

“Business,” by the way, is apparently now a code-word for fucking your Chief of Security. –

So I’m like, “Well, it’s New Year’s Eve, I’ve got to do something.” And… This is how desperate I was: I’m at Avengers Tower, because Fury and Cap have a poker party arranged there. There’s them, and James Howlett, Remy LeBeau and Ben Grimm… Also the other one, like Susan Richards’ brother. The annoying one. …So we’re there. It’s still pretty early in the evening. And Fury’s phone rings. 

He takes the call, comes back in and tells us, “You guys aren’t going to like this.”

Surveillance had spotted Doom’s car, leaving the Latverian Embassy… - You remember the satellite? The one I sent up right after we beat the Chitauri? Yeah, so SHIELD was monitoring. Saw the car leaving, and two people were in it. - Fury’s like, “Well, the Embassy’s sovereign soil, but they’re _leaving_. This is the opportunity we’ve been looking for.”

Grimm’s like, “Diplomatic immunity. Stretch-o and me been trying to get Doom for years.”

And Fury’s like, “Not _Doom_ , _Loki._.”

And Grimm’s like, “Where they going?” 

And Fury’s like, “Restaurant. New Jersey. In the Kingpin’s neighborhood.”

Little What’s His Ass… Annoying kid… _Johnny_ : He’s like, “Doom’s taking Loki out to dinner. It’s _cute_ ,” he goes, “always did wonder if Doomy had a heart under that armor.”

_Yeah_. If I were Susan, I’d have smothered him in his crib.

Cap’s like, “This is the kind of thing the Avenger’s Initiative is for, right? We have to go. I can probably get Natasha and Clint to meet us there.” – Because they were doing some kind of a mixed martial arts thing over in Brooklyn, that night. - He’s like, “Who else?”

And I’m like, “Count me out. I’m not a fuckin’ Avenger any more.” 

And Fury gets all pissy like he does. He’s like, “Nice loyalty there, Stark.” 

Like they fuckin’ needed me. Wolverine, Gambit, Captain America, The Thing _and_ fuckin’ Flame-Boy are sitting there, and he’s going to get all pissy because I don’t want to come.

So just to fuck with them, I go, “You realize the only person we’ve actually seen take Loki out so far, is the Hulk?”

Cap gives me one of his looks. He’s like, “ _Thanks_ , Stark. I think we can handle it.”

They did, too. Came back really late in the evening (and I’d been browsing the netz, watching the ball drop and so forth …drinking up all of Howlett’s Scotch). Flame-Boy… What’s his name? The Human Torch? … _Johnny_ is all, “Buzz-buzz, whirr-whirr! Crap-ton of ‘bots, headed right at us! Pow-pow, blam-blam, kabang-kabang!” Jesus _Christ_ , but that kid’s loud!

…Yeah, and apparently Doom’s still with Loki. They stopped whatever it was they were going to do on New Year’s Eve, but _you_ know what stopping Loki’s like, and they didn’t have you, or Thor’s magic Asgard-handcuffs to do it with. Not my problem, though. This what Douglas Adams would have called a SEP, my man; you and I are _in the clear_.

By the way, those kale chips aren’t half bad. Shove some more of them over this way, will you? And some of the kombucha? …And I’ll take another toke on that fattie too, if you’re offering.

Hey, you want to know something fun? Let me get my laptop. I’ll get Pepper’s LinkedIn up, and we can _fuck with it_.

…Yeah, sorry. Off the grid, _right_. Should have thought. You know, first thing tomorrow, dude, I am going to have to set you up with undetectable wifi.


	2. Chinese New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony talks some more about Doom and Loki ...and his own plans.

You know whose badass, is Kim Jong Un. Did you hear about what he did to his uncle? I mean yeah, I know, _psychotic_ , and evil, and blah, and blah, and blah, but seriously: In terms of pure badassery? That guy puts Doom _in the shade_. People just don’t notice, because he’s a round puffy little marshmallow-guy. If he were taller, or if he got himself some armor…

By the way Bruce, no offense, but dude, you’ve kind of got that marshmallow thing going on yourself. You used to be lean, had an ass you could bounce a quarter off, etcetera, etcetera. What’s the deal? How does a guy get to be like that, on nothing but kombucha and kale ~~shit~~ chips?

It’s a side effect… To _what_? What exactly are you taking, anyway?

Abilify. What the fuck’s Abilify?

…Whoa, dude, get over here! Have you looked at this shit? I mean, seriously, dude, have you _read_ about these side effects?

What, suddenly you _are_ “that kind of doctor”? Funny. Yeah, so, _side effects_ : Balance, muscle trembling, stiffness… You got any of that going on? I can see the weight gain. How about blurred vision, nervousness, convulsions. …Loss of bladder… Oh, Christ, yecch! …You don’t have that, do you?

Photo-sensitivity? Nausea and vomiting? I don’t see those. No, I wasn’t looking at the overdose page… _Overdose_?!? Christ, Bruce, how much of this shit are you taking? 60 milligrams? You know the website says 15? Says right here, “the optimal dosage… Doses higher than 15mg/day were not more effective…”

Yeah, I guess with the Hulk, some of that could be different. But Jesus, Bruce, have you seen what this shit does to mortality rates?

…Yeah, right, I know. _The Hulk_. He can’t die, isn’t that what you told us? So, you taking anything else?

500 milligrams of fluoxtene. And that’s what? …No, wait, got the Google here… That’s… Dude, you do know the maximum dosage for Prozac is 80mg?

I know, I know. None of my business. …Just saying, but you might want to _increase_ the Abilify a little. That’s the stuff that takes care of irritability, right?

…Okay, so where was I? Kim Jong Un? No, that wasn’t it. I was talking about _Doom_.

By the way, thanks for letting me hole up here last night. …And tonight too, I guess. Because of the snow. I promise, I’ll get out of your hair. Need a place of my own. Need a lab… I’ve got some serious _tinkering_ to do.

Hey, you want to see something cool? Here, watch: Just a sec… Let me get it up… 

There! Check it out! You want to know what that is? – You’re going to laugh. – What, you can’t figure it out? Dude, somebody has finally stolen tech from _Doom_ for a change. And upgraded it. Call that a Stark-bot. I got the basics for that in January. 31st. You want to know how I know it was the 31st?

Chinese New Year. ~~Bitch~~ Pepper wanted Moon Cakes. She likes those things. Taste like ass, if you want my opinion, but there I was, the devoted husband. - You know how the Baxter Building’s right over by Chinatown, right? - I was over there. There’s a bakery Pep likes. Bakery Delights, I think that’s the name. Happy Buddha maybe, or Delicious Bun, one of those no-name names. I can’t remember, I just go to the Baxter Building, then catty-corner across the street, and it’s right there.

…So I’m going in there. Gonna get Pep her Moon Shit, maybe pick some pork buns for dinner, etcetera. So outside, I hear all this _noise_. Owner starts yelling. Lot of shit in Chinese, Reed Richards this, and Baxter Building that. Hey, it’s no news to anyone, Reed’s not popular with the neighbors, is it?

Anyway, I look out the window, there’s a crap-ton of _bots_ coming down out of the sky. And… You know the funny thing is, I didn’t even _know_ Pep was cheating at the time. I don’t know why I took one of them. Maybe it was my subconscious mind. 

How? With no _suit_ , you mean? Thank you very much, Pepper Bitch Potts, because yeah, Iron Man is still suitless, you are right, Bruce my friend. What you seem to forget though, is the power’s in the _brain_ , not in the suit.

…Also, Reed’s the kind of guy who _always_ understands the logic of, “I want a sample, so I can run some tests.” Hell, I think he took a ‘bot or two himself.

Anyway, I didn’t stop them all by myself, because thank you, Pepper Bitch Potts, no suit. What happened, was I see them coming down, I get out the old Stark-phone, I’m gonna give Fury a call, okay? He’s like, “Doom-bots, yeah, yeah, Fantastic Four’ll deal with them. We’re up to our ass in something _bigger_ , Stark.”

Bigger. Yeah, it was my satellite being useful again (like everything I make): Fury never turned the face-recognition tech off, after New Year’s Eve. He still thought he and his (severely limited) team could take Loki down.

So he’s like, “Doom and Loki. The Four Seasons….” – Bruce, the _restaurant_ , not the SHIELD guys. How can you _not have heard of it_? It’s only been around since _the beginning of time_.

Seriously, man, once I get things set right, you and I are going back there. I’m going to _take charge of your education_ , my friend. – 

…So anyway, Fury’s all like, “Loki’s headed toward The Four Seasons, with Doom. We’re on our way there right now, we’re intercepting.” He’s like, “I suppose you…”

And I’m like, “No suit, remember? _Retired_?”

And he gets all pissy again, he’s all, “Oh yeah, you’re _in a committed relationship,_ how’s that working out for you, anyway?” – 

Do you think he knew? It just occurs to me, face-recognition tech: He might have been monitoring some other people besides just Loki. He might have known… what I didn’t find out until later. I am going to have to check into that. Fucker could have at least told me, if he knew something. – 

Okay, anyway, so where did I leave off? Oh yeah, so Doom’s taking Loki to The Four Seasons, and Fury and the gang are in hot pursuit. By the way, I think little Flame-Boy was right about them. I don’t think that’s so much an _alliance_ , as a _consensual relationship_. Now that I think about it, I think The Avengers pretty well cock-blocked Doom that night. And some other times. …Not that I give a crap.

Okay, so Fury and his play-pals, they’re over in Manhattan, cock-blocking Dr. Doom and his boyfriend. Me and Reed Richards, we’re over in Chinatown, _taking down the ‘bots._ Then Reed’s like, “Thanks, Tony. You know we could have taken care of them by ourselves?”

I’m like, “No shit, Sherlock.” You learn to deal with Reed after a while. You just have to let it roll right off your back. So I’m like, “No shit, I just happened to be in the area,” then I go, and now I have this ‘bot.

Yeah, look: What do you think? Thing with Doom, is his ‘bots don’t think. That’s his weak spot, he’s always got to be in control. I say, you’ve got to program their minds so you can _trust_ them to make decisions. So I’m thinking, JARVIS OS, plus you see where I’ve made some upgrades, here, here, and here. 

Why? I dunno. Does a guy need a reason? You’ve got to do _something_ , and let’s face it, Stark Industries never was really my baby. First it was Obie, then Pepper… Now it’s the fuckin’ Pentagon. I’ve always liked to tinker.

…No, I will be straight with you here, Bruce. Least I can do, since you’ve _opened your house to me_ , you’re sharing your kale chips and shit: I didn’t know what I wanted it for when I got it, now I’m beginning to get an idea. I just have to get my lab up and running, need to get this thing built, see what I can make it to.

It’ll be good, Bruce. It’ll be good for both of us. Because why should you live like this? Why let the government call all the shots? …Or SHIELD, for that matter? They want to control you …us, really. Like Doom, not letting his robots have a mind of their own. Fuck that. Fuck them all. I thought I was onto something with the Iron Man suits (until I let Pepper Bitch Potts derail that one). This one is going to be bigger, it’s going to be better.

You’ll see, Bruce. There’ll be no more skulking around for either of us. This is going to be fuckin’ awesome. But first I have to get a lab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have always wondered what effects psychoactive medications would have on Bruce and his _Other Guy_... For the purpose of this story, I've got him on two of them, both mood-stabilizers. Here are websites, if you want to read more:
> 
> http://www.rxlist.com/abilify-drug.htm
> 
> http://www.rxlist.com/prozac-drug.htm
> 
> ...Oh, also you need to know that SHIELD has a team of operatives known as The Four Seasons. See here, for more info: http://marvel.wikia.com/Winter_(Four_Seasons)_(Earth-1610)


	3. Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tells about meeting the lovebirds, and a little about ~~Bitch-Woman~~ Pepper.

Asimov. Three Laws of Robotics. Well first of all, you’re going to have trouble with Law Number One. Not harm people, huh? What are these so-called “robots” supposed to be doing? I mean, if you want a coffeemaker with brains… There would be no JARVIS if I followed those rules. He was on-board the suits from Day One, everything I did, he did. There goes your no harm to people thing right there, amirite?

…Yeah, so sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been setting up the lab. And you know, I’ve been playing around with ideas: You’re coming at this thing all the wrong way, trying to be undetectable. – Well, you always knew I thought that, didn’t you? You _creep_ around. The thing is, to strut. And I get it, that you don’t want to encourage your “Other Guy.” You're keeping him down, that's what the drugs are all about?

That’s what did it for you, isn’t it? That's why you left? Because Fury found out how useful he could be? you should see the chatter: _Everyone_ wants to find you, him, and General Numbnuts, and ...everybody. – 

But yeah. Undetectable. See, the thing is, you can get the same results if you just don’t let ‘em near you. You can go out and get real food, have yourself some fun once in a while… Once I get New-JARVIS online, they’re not going to get near either of us. Nobody will, not unless _we_ want them to.

…I also think we should invite some other people here. Like, you know, some hand-picked other people, ones that ~~I~~ we choose. You ever read _Atlas Shrugged_?

Yeah, like Ayn Rand. Like Mrs. Virtue of Selfishness. How far did you get into the book? Like, Galt’s speech, right?

…The train tunnel part? Where all the people die? Aww Bruce, that’s kind of cute. You’re always such a softie. Bruce, I'm not saying she's right about everything. I’m not claiming that people need to _die_ , just because they have the wrong political ideas. ~~(Although let’s face it, it happens every day.)~~

No, it’s the other stuff I like: Some people really are better… Well, they’re _smarter_ anyway… No, you know what? Let’s be honest here: How are we _not_ better? Look at how well things were going, when I had the suit up and running. Look how we took out the Chitauri when we were together. You going to tell me that was bad? …That ~~I~~ we shouldn't be running things, instead of a bunch of politicians who couldn’t be honest if they had a gun to their heads?

Just let me ask you this: Would you be _on the run_ , if the people in charge could handle things, Bruce?

Good job not blowing up at me there. That shows the meds are working. …By the way, you never explained how you get them. What with no internets and all…

Wow. That many people? And you have to stop all those places? Seriously, Bruce, that won’t do. You know, it’s going to take a while to get New-JARVIS online, but I’ll bet I could synthesize some of those meds in my lab. I mean, I did _create a new element_ , that one time.

…Yeah, okay, okay, fine. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Bruce Banner, and his corn-fed, cracker barrel wisdom. _Whatever_ , man.

Okay, so tell you what: Tonight, I’ll tell you a story, the next time I take a break, what say it’s your turn. …Unless New-JARVIS really takes off, in which case we go into town, see what Ass-Grab, CO has in the way of snack foods and fun activities.

You got any more weed? Some of those kale chips you love so much, maybe some more ~~fermented piss~~ kombucha? Sit down, relax, make yourself comfortable. My friend, I am going to _tell you a story_ :

Okay, Loki, all right? Remember how I said he’s with Doom now? As in, _with Doom_ … They’re actually kind of cute together. Like, if you can imagine the two worst control freaks in the known universe, and now they’re _together_ … They don’t seem to have noticed that about each other yet, or at least, they hadn’t by the time I blew town in March. Maybe they have by now. Maybe I can send New-JARVIS to check. …The first of the New-JARVISes.

Yeah, so anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day, all right? And I’m supposed to be at a meeting. Pep’s idea. (Only later, that I found out why she wanted me gone.) …I’m _supposed_ to be at this meeting, Pep’s all, “Oh, Tony, call when you’re done, okay?”

Only I’m all, brilliant and whatnot, I’m going to go home early and surprise her. I’ve got champagne, some of those chocolate-covered strawberries, women like. …Got a stuffed rabbit. And I get home…

…Yeah, I get home… Listen, Bruce, pass the weed over, all right? You don’t want to hear about that part. ~~(I don’t want to think about it.)~~ Let’s just say I ended up leaving again, okay? Went to The Four Seasons; it’s just down from our New York place. … _Her_ New York place, I guess I should say. Lease to that was in her name too.

…So I’m there. They’ve got a bar, you know? It’s not a good bar, but it’s a bar, and I’m not inclined to be picky. I’m there, and I’m like, “Give me something that’ll make me forget.”

Goldschlager and Coke: That’ll make you forget in a hurry. …Or they do this thing with Bailey’s and coffee liqueur… – maybe there’s some butterscotch in it too. – Like being hit in the head with a giant cinnamon stick: You won’t remember anything, until it’s a bad memory in your toilet the following morning.

TMI, huh? _Funny._ Give me the weed.

Okay, I go in there: There’s everybody’s favorite little villain-lovebirds. I see them, I’m all, “Oho!” _Why?_ Gee, I don’t know, Bruce. Remember that guy Loki hit in Stuttgart? Why’d he do that? Because I could, okay? Because I felt like fucking with someone. ~~(Because I forgot to fuckin’ kill Happy and his bitch, while I had the chance.)~~

I go over there, I’m like, “Oho…” Then, I’m like, “You realize it’s only a matter of time before The Avengers arrive and bust up your little party again? Face-recognition software? Hello?”

Doom’s like, “Oh yes, your little satellite.” – 

_My_ satellite. – 

He’s all, “Things can be shot out of the sky, you know.”

I’m like, “And they can be rebuilt again.”

And he’s like, “Yeah, but by then Loki and I will have had our night out.” He’s like, “Loki was talking about a disguise. But that’s not my style. When _Doom_ does something, he does it as _Doom_ ,” and _Doom_ this, and _Doom_ that. Some more of _Doom_ , and something else (probably with some more _Doom_ in it); that guy really loves the sound of his own name.

Then Loki’s like, “Buzz off, Avenger.” So I buzzed off. Called Fury on their asses as soon as I was out of earshot. Watched from the bar, while Cap and the gang showed up and busted up their little party. Why? Why ask why, Bruce my man.

So I did it. Ruined another date for them. After that though, that’s when I got to thinking: You know, Doom’s kind of got a point. If you’re going to do something, fuckin’ _do_ it, amirite? No hiding, no sharing credit, just _do it_. That goes for dating, or maintaining world peace, whatever you’re doing.

I also kind of like that thing of his, about having a sovereign country. How much firepower do you think it would take to secede? Like, you know, not if it was LA or something. What if one of these _mountainy_ places, someplace no one wants. What about Ass-Grab Colorado, say?

…Yeah, just hypothetical, I know. At least until I get New-JARVIS online, anyway. Makes you think though, doesn’t it? Our own Galt’s Gulch. Only we’d call it Stark’s Gulch, of course…


	4. Mardi Gras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which New-JARVIS sees the light of day.

New-JARVIS: Feel very, very lucky, Bruce. I didn’t even start him up until you were over here. Now look: Watch how he moves. I know you never got to see the drone-versions of the suit. They were good. New-JARVIS is _better_. I would _have sex_ , with New-JARVIS…

Actually, not a bad idea. One thing I haven’t worked out about living out here: What do you do when you want some _action_. I mean seriously, have you looked at the women in town? And I don’t mean the hookers, have you looked at the regular women? Seriously, women must not stay here unless they register 10 or more on the ugly-scale. Had you noticed, Bruce?

…Another side-effect, huh? Uh, just asking here, is that with anyone? I mean, _women_ , yeah. How about men? …Or by yourself?

Jesus Christ, way to fly off the handle! Go take your meds, man.

…So I take it the answer’s no?

Yeah, New-JARVIS: I was making them humanoid because that’s how the suit was. All that space inside that was supposed to hold me: Served to put in the _other tech_ I got from Doom. You know when you think about it though, there’s a lot of potential here: Give him the right exterior. Some natural-feel skin, some hair… How long, do you think, before people couldn’t tell him apart from a human?

Like Data, only you know, with realistic skin-tone and hair that doesn’t look like a wig. Just out of curiosity, you ever wonder about Data’s sex life? I mean, we know he liked petting his cat. What else did he pet? Or _who_

Data and Deanna: How about that? She’s the one with the big… And the lowcut… Or Data and Beverly. You know, the doctor? The redhead?

…Data and Riker? Oh Bruce, you naughty boy! ~~No reason why you picked out the one with the beard and mustache, I’m just asking?~~

Yeah, I know, I know. _Side-effects_. …They could be controlled if you let me synthesize your meds. I’m sure of it. I’m just saying.

… _Sorry!_

New-JARVIS: I haven’t quite gotten the vocal-tech online yet, but look at how he moves! Look at the shape of him. And c’mon, c’mon, you’ve got to see this: Get your coat. Okay, out here. This way…

…Yeah, I’ve got a target in the shape of Pepper. You gonna judge me? Got one in the shape of Fury too, you gonna go all Judge Judy on my ass, you better do it now.

That’s better. Now watch, Bruce:

You see that? See how far the head flew? Now take this… - All right, no guns. Watch me do it. Watch out for the ricochet.

Yeah, pretty awesome, isn’t it? Isn’t a thing in the known world that will penetrate that. Plus remember, you don’t give ‘em commands. JARVIS is oriented to my thought-patterns. Has been since the start. So, you’ve got your independent thinking going on (the _good_ kind of independent thinking ~~, the kind where he thinks like me~~ ). You’ve got your indestructibility. All I need now, is to get some of these out into the field and try them out.

I haven’t exactly decided who I’m going to try them out on, yet…

You know, it’s getting cold out here. When does “spring” start in Colorado, anyway?

That late? _Jesus_! – You want a drink, Bruce? Yeah, I know, I know: Counter-indicated by your medications. I’m having one. …Two maybe. – 

All right, well at least we’re out of that _Arctic blast_. Here, let me add another log to the fire, get a little more Scotch. Got some weed in case you want that? You know I’m always looking out for you, Bruce. Got some _real_ snack foods here too…

I’m ready for a break. You want to talk? What would you like to talk about?

… _Loki?_ Ummm… Okay…

If you say so. Guess I did a really good job telling you the other parts of the story. All right: So where was I? Valentine’s Day, right? ~~(And what goddamn Pepper-Bitch-Potts and goddamn fuckin’ Happy did to me that night)~~ Yeah, so Fury’s all in Doom’s face, he’s busting it up every time him and Loki try to get together. 

And Doom’s doing his Doom-thing. He’s using a lot of firepower for one thing and another. He figured out pretty quick about my _duplicate satellite_ strategy. Next time he sent Doom-bots, it was for me.

Only I’d caught on already, that was his strategy when he was trying for a quiet night with his boyfriend. I was prepared. Plus his data was, shall we say, a leetle bit _out of date?_ As in he sent the ‘bots against where I _was_ living? Where Pep and Happy were living now? It is to laugh, Bruce. They still had JARVIS running at that point: _I got video_. I can show you, if you want.

Umm, okay, just the story. Sure, fine, _whatever_. You are the guest, Bruce my friend. Say, pass the Scotch over, will you? And the Cheese-Its? ~~(LOL, so much for _gluten-free everything_. In your face, Pep!)~~

…Yeah, so when JARVIS alerted me about the ‘bots, first thing I did, was look around for where Doom and Loki might be. New satellite, replace the ones they’d shot down, get the face-recognition tech up, and yadda-yadda-yadda.

I scan New York. First week in March. Doom gave a speech at the UN on the third, so I’m assuming he’s still in the area. 

And he is. – He did learn to hide his tracks a little better before this saga was over, in case you’re wondering, Bruce. That time though? He couldn’t have been more obvious. – 

At least he didn’t go back to The Four Seasons.

It _was_ another French place. Hell’s Kitchen. Someone apparently forgot to tell Doom that the 20th century is over, and people go there, these days. He thought he’d be inconspicuous. He wasn’t. (Long green limo with the Latverian flag on the antenna, and a guy dressed in armor getting out, doesn’t exactly scream “inconspicuous”.)

…I show up there, he and Loki are already seated. And you know, here’s the thing: I am _on the side of Cupid_ , here. I have _no_ issues, with _anyone_ , getting a little love on. Not superheroes, not super-villains, not anyone. But really, Doom, _you attacked me_. What was I supposed to do, just sit there?

…So, I go in there, and could they be any more obvious? There’s Doom, looking like the Tin Man in a bad temper, there’s Loki opposite him, in this little booth, way at the back of the restaurant. Waiter’s all like, “May I seat you, sir?” And I’m like, “No, I see my friends.”

_My friends…_

I go over there. Doom notices me, and he’s like, “ _You._ ”

Loki’s like, “So, ‘committed relationship’, huh? – You _can_ kill Asgardians, you know. Remember where Thor said so? Once I get New-JARVIS up and running, that’s my next goal: Kill Loki. ~~…Maybe I keep Doom around, _if_ he agrees to cooperate...~~ \- 

I sit down. I’m being all charming, like, “Nothing like what you and Doom apparently have, and isn’t it adorable, and this and that.”

Waiter comes up, I order a bottle of champagne for the happy couple. You cannot tell me, I wasn’t being a good guest. …Of course Doom and Loki didn’t want a guest around. Too bad for them. They should have thought of that before they sent _’bots_ against me.

I’m like, “Let’s drink to _you_ , you cute, adorable, green-clad lovebugs you…”

(Loki’s like, “So, I read about you in Perez Hilton: “Defense Industry’s Most Romantic Couple, On the Outs”, huh?” Then I make sure the cork is aimed Loki’s way, when I open the wine. LOL)

Then… Well, neither of them wanted me there, of course, but you’ve got to understand, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been someplace where no one wanted me… - 

On-board the helicarrier after SHIELD got Loki. _Funny_ , Bruce. We have got a comedian here. …Anyway, Fury wanted me, that time. –

What I did… You want to know what I did? Well Doom and I have a lot in common, you know. We’re both geniuses, we could both buy and sell the United States, etcetera, etcetera. So I get him started. I asked him about the ‘bots, I think that’s what I did. Said, “Oh, Doom, _such good ‘bots_ , no one’s ever gotten that close to killing me… Or they would have if I’d been there… And meanwhile, how nicely you almost-killed my ex-girlfriend, how did you do it?”

He told me how he did it. (Told you the guy was an ego-monster.) And then he told me some more. And some more… We had a second bottle of wine, then a third…

After a while, Loki left, and Doom and I moved the whole thing across the street, where there happened to be a pretty good Mardi Gras party going on. It was a fun evening, the parts I remember. ~~Not sure how I woke up in a room registered to Doom the next morning, but… I’m sure it was nothing…~~

Anyway, that’s how it went. That was, what, the second time they tried? Or the third? There were more times, you have time to listen? Yeah, I guess it is getting late, isn’t it? Maybe another time. You want me to drive you home?

Christ, Bruce, _of course_ I’m okay to drive. Half a bottle’s _nothing_ to me, and there isn’t that much snow on the road!


	5. Saint Patrick's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce is cuddlier than usual.

You know, the weather’s really _awful_ here. I wonder what it would take to fix that. I mean Jesus, what is it? Two weeks before Easter? Three? Look what’s on the ground: Lot of fuckin’ _snow_. When does it stop? Bruce, do you know?

…Your first year here too, huh? So, like, last spring: When?

…That late? _Christ!_

Yeah, definitely this has got to be fixed. I’m thinking weather satellite, maybe some kind of underground warming system. Power of gamma radiation, haha.

…Sorry, Bruce.

That guy with the AR-15 that was shot down at the mall? That was mine, yeah. Unmanned drone. Didn’t even see it coming. I can’t stand those guys, bunch of little hipster-pretenders, probably couldn’t even shoot the damn gun, outside of a firing range. You notice it’s always an AR-15? It’s not about self-defense, Bruce, it’s an accessory. Like the beards and the granny-sweaters. I give you a promise, Bruce: ~~When I~~ …When _we_ control this place…

By the way, you know, it’s really nice seeing you over here again? You were here yesterday too, weren’t you? And the day before? With all the snow on the ground, that’s impressive. Tell me it’s my pretty face.

LOL, I know: It’s because I’ve got better snack food. ~~Unmanned drone taking out the Frito-Lay truck on the road up from Bellvue will do it every time. You should have seen it, Bruce: Doritos and Ruffles all over the hillside. And those rolled things with the hot stuff on them. Wannabee-Taki’s. What are they called?~~

…Oh, so now you’re going to turn up your nose? Genetically _modified_ , huh? Hey, you’re genetically modified. Birds of a feather, Bruce.

…Christ, can’t you take a _joke_???

Feel this. _Like_ skin, or _skin_? Would it fool you in bed?

…Stop _telling_ me about the side-effects, Bruce. I _know_ about the side-effects. Metaphoric “you”. Like, would it fool _someone_ in bed. Who are you, Dr. Sheldon Cooper? You can’t tell a metaphor when you hear one?

It’s just psychological, you know. Give me one night. There’s a hotel in town… Only four stars, but compared to your place, it’s the Ritz-Carlton. Let me give you some pampering, a nice dinner, you’ll see.

…God, Bruce, I _know_ no means no. Christ!

Yeah, so skin? Or like-skin?

…That’s what I thought too. Also, I haven’t gotten the hair right yet. And JARVIS _doesn’t_ shave his head, am I right, Bruce?

It’s a work in progress. I’ve got the drones up. Got a third-party buying that land we were talking about. Near Saguache, right. And your cabin’s right in the middle, yeah. Forty acres… - You think that’ll be enough?

…Yeah? Maybe I’ll call him, see if it’s too late to double it. …Of course I can always build underground…

Bruce, grab me a beer. That little fridge over there. You want one too? Yeah, I haven’t bothered setting up the arc reactor yet. New-model arc reactor, like, one 1/100th of the size of the one on Avengers Tower. …One fiftieth, maybe. But they’re trending smaller. I figure once ~~we’re~~ I’m in the new place… You _are_ coming, Bruce. You know you are. We’re the Science Bros, we’ve got to be together. ~~(Also I can’t risk having people outside who _know about me_ , Bruce. Not even you.)~~

‘K thanks. You ever brewed beer? How _hard_ can it be, amirite? Also, I am going to need to get a distillery up and going. Already got the seeds and the hydroponics equipment for you. Got the grow-lights. I am _always_ thinking of you, Bruce, and you know I am. Here, pass that tube over there.

Okay, I’m just going to start one more skin-sample. Got the polymer’s heated, I just want to see how it affects the texture if I agitate it first. Like, you know, _froth_ it? Give it a _head_ … ~~Not _give it head_ , that will come much, _much_ later. I will also have to figure out how to make him _come_ convincingly. You can help me test him out, when we get there…~~

… _Side-effects._ Ri-iii-iiight. Just let me get him online, and you will be _begging_ , Bruce.

‘K, there: You think that’s frothy enough? This is to give JARVIS pores. ...All right, let me pour. Gonna need to let that sit for a while…

Since you’re over here and all, you want to go in the living room and hang out? Got a six-pack of IPA. Brewery in Fort Collins. Closest one I could find. Got a vape pen and some weed. I _know you_ , Bruce, it’s like having one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers over here. …Got some Twinkies… ~~(There may or may not also have been a Hostess truck on the road up from Bellvue.)~~

All right. Throw a log on the fire, come on over here. Sofa’s real comfy. You will still share a sofa with me, won’t you? I haven’t scared you off?

Yeah, that’s _good_. …Okay, what do you want to talk about?

…Doom and Loki? My god, that story’s got you hooked. Okay, just get me out a beer. How does that vape pen thing work? Am I going to get a contact-high? No? _Fuck._

All right. Lean back, relax. Not so _far away_. Come on, I don’t bite. …Much. …And it’s consensually. ...Most of the time.

… _Joking_ , Bruce, _joking_. All right, here’s the story:

Where did I leave off? Mardi Gras, right? And I may or may not have done some things with Doom that night, I am not going to say, on the grounds that I might incriminate myself. – By the way, Bruce, Fifth Amendment: Keep it, get rid of it? Yeah, I’m thinking not necessary. Also that whole “Innocent until proven guilty” thing is out of date as hell. – So yeah, so _Mardi Gras_ : After that, well…

You know, Loki’s really a pissy little bitch. He finds out about Doom and me, the next thing you know, the whole _town_ explodes. You read about the animal attack on the UN? Those were bilgesnapes, by the way. And the real target was the Latverian Embassy. And about the Doom-bots attacking Avengers Tower? Because of course once Loki attacked, god forbid Doom should back down… Like, when was that? Tenth of March? Twelfth?

That was after Doom found out Loki was staying with his brother (who was on Earth at the time, I don’t remember why). I may or may not have visited him a few times, and he _was_ going to fight it at the time. His position was: It’s not a committed relationship. Things happen. And besides, a guy can’t be blamed for what happens after his seventh Cajun-rita. –

Those things suck _ass_ , by the way. Crayfish and vodka do _not_ go together. –

…Yeah, so Doom was going to fight it at first. There was the bilgesnape attack. – One of those things _bit_ the President of the General Assembly. They’re venomous, did you know that? – Then there was the ‘bot attack on Avengers Tower. And the one on SHIELD HQ… You know, the one with the big bunker? In Virginia? …And then the Destroyer went after Doom, at the Embassy.

You know the Destroyer, right? Big, animated suit of armor. Like an Asgardian drone? You look inside the mask, all you see is flames. I really like that, by the way. Way to strike terror in the hearts of your enemies. I may need to steal it.

…Anyway, I don’t remember exactly when Fury finally sussed what was going on. Weekend of the 15th, is how I remember it, but it couldn’t have taken him that long. Anyway, it was funny as Hell. He puts out this APB: “We are in the middle of a super-villain lovers’ spat. Everyone stand down and let the lovebirds connect.” Something like that. He warns off The Fantastic Four, The Avengers… He got in touch with Charles Xavier, _and_ Norman Osborn, is how I heard it, the guy wasn’t leaving _anything_ to chance.

…Except that some of us might not give a shit if New York got exploded, of course. Some of us might not care… _Some of us,_ who were still in town, because their fellow-genius (and total Science Bro) had holed up undetectably, and they still hadn’t found him.

So, it’s Monday, the 17th, and I know from an Ice Monster, that was attacking the Lower East Side, that at least _Loki’s_ still in the area. And if Loki’s there, Doom must be too. And Fury and his bunch of Cupids over at the Tower are probably going to try and get them together. I mean, _Saint Patrick’s Day_. Who _doesn’t_ go out on Saint Patrick’s Day? 

So that evening, I put a satellite up. Wouldn’t have paid to do it earlier. One or the other of the lovebirds would have shot it down. I find Doom: Another French place, over in Manhattan. Chatter is, Thor’s gotten his brother to agree to go over there, at least meet with Doom. I’m like, _”Let’s fuck with ‘em all.”_

Well I wasn’t going to get ‘em a second time, by walking in there and stealing Doom out from Loki’s nose ~~(because Doom is _whipped_ )~~. Certain armor-wearing geniuses I could mention stopped seeing me, about midweek, once they decided for sure they were going back to Loki.

Also, you should have seen security around the restaurant: _Everyone_ was there, like, SHIELD, and all The Avengers, and The Fantastic Four. – Funny as hell, by the way: Reed tweets: “Chance to give an old friend a new life. I _am there for you,_ Victor.” Gives the address, time of the reservation. _Reed…_ \- So here’s a puzzle for you, Bruce: How do you get in, and fuck up an evening that’s arranged, and _protected_ , by the best the U.S. Government has to offer?

…Just be Tony Stark? Aww, Bruce, that’s sweet. Say, let me try that vape pen? You know, I never used one of those things before. You better show me how. …Or better yet, hold it for me, will you? Mmm, that’s good. …Also, you don’t have to move away. I like you _right there_. Here, you want a Twinkie? ~~(Or _something else_ that’s long, and squirts creamy filling?)~~

…C’mon, Bruce, I _had_ to ask. Okay, so yeah. So, how did I disrupt it? Because of course I did disrupt it. Could there be any doubt about that?

I didn’t do it because I wanted Doom, if that’s what you’re thinking. I may be a little bit of a man-ho sometimes when I’ve been drinking, but when I’m sober ~~(ish)~~ : Armor over unimaginable scarring, does _not_ do it for me. Not like a nice Science Bro with wavy brown hair. Who smells like weed most of the time. And has a hot, green monster-sidekick that comes out sometimes. ~~(Yeah, I’d do it with your Other Guy, don’t judge me, man.)~~

…All right, maybe I’m being a little bit of a man-ho again. Don’t move away, I’ll stop.

Yeah, I didn’t want Doom. Just wanted to give Loki a hard time, maybe remind Fury that not all of us on the superhero team are taking orders from him. …So yeah, so how did I do it? _Unmanned drone_ , Bruce, c’mon, it was easy. Just took a little bigger one than the one I used on the Frito’s truck. ~~(And maybe there was some collateral damage. Nothing they can’t fix, I’m sure.)~~

So, kaboom, kabang, kapow, there goes the restaurant ~~(and part of the block it was standing on)~~. You see _all these superheroes_ moving away. Followed by a few super-villains…

Bruce, your hair’s really soft. You don’t mind if I do this? And this? Fire up the vape pen again man, let’s get comfortable. Mmm, _Bruce_ …

So, you want to hear the rest of the story?

…Maybe later? Bruce, that has got to be your best idea ever.


	6. Latverian Independence Day (Or Something)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...There's got to be some holiday somewhere. This is the chapter where everyone gets a happy ending (except for Pepper maybe).

Chili. Synthesized meat. Don’t give me all that vegetarian bullshit, Bruce. Didn’t you hear me say _synthesized_? No animals were harmed, etcetera, etcetera. You are not eating _Bambi_ , or… I dunno, who’s a cute moo-cow? Umm, Ferdinand? Isn’t there a cartoon about cows on TV? …You’re not eating them, is what I’m saying. Here, let me give you some.

…All right, fine. Jesus. You are so _touchy_. Here, have some foie gras instead. …I’m _kidding_ , Bruce. Christ, how long have we been together? Two months now? You’d think you’d have learned not to take me so seriously.

… _No_ , I don’t want some of whatever that is. What is it, anyway? Korean vegetable pancakes? What? Who puts vegetables in fuckin’ _pancakes_?!? Christ, Bruce, you and your macrobiotic vegan bullshit. If you weren’t so cuddly… 

By the way, I have decided I like you a little round. What is it they say? More of you to love? ~~More cushion for the pushing?~~ The way you are right now, it’s just right. Your face, a little rounded, that _belly_ of yours, up against me, when we… Mmm, you know now that I think about it Bruce, dinner is overrated. _Warm_ dinner, anyway. What say I shove this stuff in the fridge. New-JARVIS’s awesome chili, and your ~~flat tiles of shit~~ Korean pancakes. We’ll go into the bedroom…

…Guh! Not right now. Aww, Bruce!

What’s gotten into you anyway? You were so sweet before I went away. Aww, Bruce, don’t tell me you’re jealous?

Bruce, you’re adorable. Jealous, about _me_? I could just squeeze you. In fact, I want to squeeze you. But I’ll wait. –

You know, I don’t have to tell you this. I could just sit here and enjoy my chili… What are you going to do if I don’t tell you?

…Aww, don’t do that. You wouldn’t leave me all alone with my cold bed. I _need_ you Bruce, you complete me. Fine, all right, I’ll tell. –

What it was, is I visited Doom. At the Embassy. You could kind of say this is the last chapter of the story I was telling before. This is the Happily-Ever-After chapter. See what happens, is I’m in my lab like I’ve been doing. It was… I don’t know, I think it was Thursday. I get this _text_ , so naturally I think it’s you. Yeah, it was definitely Thursday, because that was the day you went into town to meet your drug-people, remember?

…So I get this text, and I open it up right away (because of course I want to know what my cuddly honey-bear said to me), and this is what I find. Here, look: 

Yeah, that’s Pepper. Yeah, she’s doing exactly what it looks like. The middle of Time’s Square. Rush hour. And she’s bleating like a sheep, yeah. It was magic, of course. Not Loki’s, it was Doom’s. Yeah, he does magic too. You know you wonder how he does some of the things he does? It’s because he uses magic. _With_ technology. He showed me a couple of things, I have to admit, I was impressed.

He’s going to show me some more… You too, if you want. You want to take a trip to Latveria, Bruce? C’mon, the weather’s got to be better than it is here.

…Just the story? Or you’ll what? Come on, Bruce, tell me. What are you gonna do, unleash the Other Guy on me?

…Oh. You’ll leave. Sometimes you’re really _boring_ , Bruce. Okay then, _fine_. I can tell a story.

See, I get the text, okay? It’s got the picture, got a lot of blah-blah-blah, about Doom and his awesome mightiness, and his amazing brilliance, and how he’s Lord of Latveria, and this and that, you know how he does. So, he invites me to the Embassy, him and his… - I’m quoting here. - …his “Good friend and trusted ally, Loki of Asgard.”

So naturally I’m curious, of course. And how can you resist such a nice invitation, when someone’s taken your ex ~~(bitch-lady)~~ and tied her up, and sent you a picture? Could _you_ do it, Bruce? So I go. I take New-JARVIS, the stealth-paint version. You know, I finished him last week.

The Embassy by the way? _Swank_. You know me, I know swank. This was _swank_. And the Doom-bots? It’s just like the ones he sends out to fight, every other word out of their mouth is, “Doom’s word is law.” And I told Doom, “Hey, maybe if you gave them independent thinking chips,” and he was all like, “Doom likes them the way they are.” Guess he gets enough independent thinking from Loki.

_Loki_ , by the way, was on his best behavior while I was there. He’s like, “Well, my ambitions are in Asgard, etcetera etcetera,” and, “I have no quarrel with your Earth.” 

…What? No, I don’t believe him. Don’t trust either of them further than I can throw ‘em, but that’s okay. Earth’s got me. Soon as either of their asses needs kicking, I’m gonna be right there to kick it. This is _my_ planet. 

So Doom’s like, “Well, my associate and I have decided there’s no point fighting you, Stark, our objectives are different.” – Don’t know what he thought _my_ objectives were. If he thinks I’m going to let some creepy psychopath take over _my_ Earth, he’s crazy, but we’ll leave that discussion for later. – Anyway, he’s all like, “Loki and I merely the same chance any other couple would have. We want a relationship, and it has come to Doom’s notice that you are sabotaging these efforts, Stark.”

What he meant was I’m cock-blocking him. _Every single time._

So he goes, “One date, okay? And then after that we discuss terms for an alliance, because if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” He didn’t say that last part. Doom never admits he can’t beat anyone. He meant it, though. He’s like, “One date, after that the negotiation, and then after that, a party to celebrate.”

…No, he didn’t say that part either. I did. I’m like, “You want my cooperation, you can at least give me a party,” and he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, sure Stark, whatever.” So that was it, so we had this big party.

…Their _date_? What do you think, Bruce, you think I followed them?

_Satellite_ , my friend. I saw the whole fuckin’ thing.

They went back to The Four Seasons again. Doom’s favorite, I guess. SHIELD was there, also The Fantastic Four, and a couple of X-Men. Loki told me later, he hadn’t told Fury he and Doom are working with me now. He wanted them on high alert, said he thought it would be funny,

It _was_. …So there are all the heroes outside. They’re looking every different way, trying to keep me from sabotaging like the other times. Doom and Loki are inside, they’re eating and drinking, talking soft to each other or whatever. You know what people do on dates, right Bruce?

…You haven’t _what_? In _how_ many years? Aww, Bruce, I will totally take you out. Now that we’re together, we can go on as many dates as you want. Only maybe we’d better wait until I’ve secured the area. …And built some more restaurants. Have you been in town lately? KFC does _not_ a romantic date make.

What say I get a chef and have him cook for us?

…”Kidnap,” is _such a harsh word_ , Bruce. I’m going to pay him afterward.

You know, I know what we’ll do: Doomstadt’s got some pretty good restaurants. There’s the Lord of Latveria’s Table, and Der Hofbrau Doom.

…Yeah, that’s in Latveria, is that a problem?

Bruce, none of that’s going to happen. We’re _practically invited guests_ now, and we will be until Doom pisses me off and I have to kick his ass. …Or until you get your Other Guy out of mothballs and SMASH Loki again. 

You know, I was somewhere else, when he did it the other time. Bet it was funny as hell. Would you do that it again for me, Bruce? You could maybe… I dunno, maybe stop taking your meds for a week or so, just long enough to get a good head of steam going, then bang, bang, bang. C’mon, it could be a wedding present.

…Yeah, that’s a proposal. You got a problem with that? Here… Wait a sec… Here it is. That’s a Latverian diamond in the ring, by the way. I think it’ll look great on you.


End file.
